“There are Elemental powers in every woman’s psyche that are covered by the embedded codes of her captors. In her process of breaking the embedded code, she uncovers her own powers. One way of describing this process is to call it metapatterning.“
“When metamorphosing Muses use the term metapatterning, we mean to Name the process of breaking through paternal patterns. Nag-identified metapatterning involves real transcending of patriarchal patterns of thinking, speaking, acting. It is weaving our way through and out of these patterns. Erratic women weave our lives, our works, not as imitations of models, nor as models for others, but as unique diversified creations.”
––Mary Daly, Pure Lust
i had almost been destroyed by the patriarchy when a radical feminist saved my life. i don’t know her “real” name, but on the internet she is known as FCM and this is her blog.
at that point i had been “sexually active” for more than 14 years and, after having been raped, sexually exploited, humiliated and objectified for so long, i had decided that “i might as well get paid for it” and entered prostitution. i think i have always understood the essentially transactional relationship between women and men, but lacking any alternative vision of being a woman, as well as any sense of inherent worth, the fundamentally perverted character of this relationship did not occur to me. in other words, if i ever thought about this consciously at all, i thought that being looked down upon, used and abused by men was inevitable, just part of women’s lot in this world.. add to this my self-image as a “strong woman” (a woman who can withstand societal abuse) and you get to where i was: determined to use my body as
erotic capital barter object in order to at least get something out of the shitty deal that you get being female in a woman-hating world, being born as this female body that men, in their schizophrenic state, despise and lust after at the same time.
so i would like to invite you, my readers, to come with me, travel through time and space and visit with me the woman i once was. with your Third Eye watch me go through the motions of “life”, food shopping, clothes shopping,
“beauty practices“ self-mutilation (because men do not desire human females in our natural state, we have to make ourselves look like weird aliens more closely related to wasps than mammals), eating without really tasting anything and, several times per week, sucking some disgusting old or not so old “business“ man’s rapist’s cock, pretending not to be offended by the way he looks at me, touches me, talks to me, or horror of horrors, sticks his tongue into my mouth. can you see me trying not to cringe too obviously when he clumsily tries to make compliments (“you have such a tempting figure”) which are never compliments really, but humiliations, remarks about me performing my sex role adequately, becoming his own personal fuckhole. picture me going through the motions, making “good money”, but feeling dead inside, more dead every day, trying not to break down under the banal atrocity that is my life, with no meaning, no purpose, no self-love, no creativity.
My pocket vagina
the only way to survive as a prostituted woman is to dissociate from what is being done to you, and you can only do that by shutting off all sensation in the parts of the body that would otherwise cry out in pain and horror each time one of the punters so much as touches you, not to mention thrusts his gross cock into your internal organs. in my case this process of shutting off the body piece by piece had been going on for a long time, which is why i didn’t even notice how far it had proceeded. in retrospect i can contrast this state of zombie-hood with how i feel now, but i know that even now, more than one year after exiting and quitting piv, i am far from fully experiencing my own body. there is still so much trauma stored in my muscles and nerves that i’m not sure i will be able to ever heal completely.
it had gotten to a point where i did not even experience my vulva/vagina as being me. it felt as if i had this thing, this pocket vagina, which was incidentally attached to my body, but not really part of my body. i rented this pocket vulva/vagina out to men who wanted to lick it rub it stick their fingers in it thrust their dicks into it. And since i couldn’t actually hand it over to them, leave the apartment and come back when they were finished with it, i “consented” to leaving that part of my body for as long as they needed to masturbate into it. Yes i even took pride in being able to keep a friendly, jolly demeanor before, during and after the act, no offence taken d00d, its a-okey that you want to use part of me as masturbation toy, that’s what all men want from women isn’t it at least we are being honest about it aren’t we?
My talking ovaries
the problem is the more often you do this, withdraw from a part of your body, the harder it gets to get back in until someday you realize that you have effectively shut yourself out of a part of your self and you are left with no feeling, no real sensation in that part of yourself at all. sure, i still felt some kind of pressure “down there” when they pushed their dicks into me, but it was all numbed down, as if the skin they touched wasn’t even really alive with nerves anymore. sure, that made it easier to
do the “job” get through the rapes, but it makes if infinitely harder to experience any kind of joy, sadness, real emotion, in other words, to Be Alive. thats what i mean when i say that i was half-dead. i was dragging my body from one place to another, but i wasn’t really there. Mary Daly fittingly calls it the absence of Presence. no idea where i was, but i wasn’t in my body. Which as i said, didn’t even occur to me until –
my ovaries started talking to me. (yes you read that right.)
i can’t have been entirely dead inside because there was something in me that always knew prostitution was not where i wanted to be, not for long anyway. Granted, in my brainwashed state i thought i could do it for a while without being damaged by it, but i knew that i was getting more depressed by the day and if i was honest, i knew the “job” had something to do with it. keep in mind that at that point i still hadn’t consciously understood why or even that prostitution is harmful. i thought i was empowered, choosing to exercise my agency by freely using my sexuality as erotic capital to advance myself financially, which i didn’t see as inherently problematic, because “don’t we all have to sell something in this capitalist system?” and “at least my hourly pay is more than what many people earn in a week.” so i didn’t think my deal was too shitty, considering the circumstances. but something in me was searching, looking for answers to questions i didn’t even dare consciously ask myself. i felt drawn to feminism, found sex-pozzie pomo fauxminism which only affirmed me in the prostitution of my body. i was a sex worker, responsibly and soberly assessing my possible sources of income under capitalist rule and so on. or was i? i was still searching, clicking through feminist and not so feminist blogs and then suddenly i found radical feminism, in the shape of FCM’s blog and her series on intercourse. i started reading but my mind jammed. it didn’t make sense. piv harmful? what was she talking about?? if piv is harmful then that means that all of the piv i had had in the past (with more than 50 men even before entering prostitution) had harmed me? unthinkable! and thats when it happened. thats when my ovaries started telling me to read on.
when i say they were “telling” me to read on of course that doesn’t adequately describe what happened, but that’s because language is deficient in conveying the whole/holistic truth, so let me try to describe what it felt like. so while i was battling with myself to go on reading or dismiss her writings as sex-negative prudishness i could suddenly feel a surge of energy emanate from my left ovary. no idea how i knew that it was my ovary this energy was coming from, i just knew. And i also knew that this sudden outburst of sensation meant that i had found something profoundly true and that i must go on. i tested my newly-found ability to communicate with my reproductive organs by (mentally) asking my Self (i might have even said this out loud): “is this weird energy outburst in my ovary connected to what i am reading?“ instantly more energy emanated from said ovary. alright then. i asked: “is what i am reading the truth even though i am scared to go on reading?” immediately the energy surged up and up and i realized that i was feeling something that i hadn’t felt in a very long time: joy. i think i laughed out loud at that point (partly because i suddenly realized how this would have looked to an unsuspecting observer: like i was having a psychotic break). i went on asking: “is this what i have been looking for?”pulse, pulse, pulse pulse, pulse…
and this is how i discovered, re-membered how it feels to feel anything below the neck. this is how it started, how i found the trap door into the Background. i went through the rabbit hole, safely lead by my own bodily sensations. two weeks after that i “serviced” my last “client”. 3 weeks after that i had piv for the last time. i haven’t looked back. the thought of what would have happened to me had i not found my radical sister that day is scary. she saved my life. through a blog post.
which brings me back to what triggered this very blog post that i am writing right here/now. i routinely see women in the movement claim that radical feminism is about public activism. i call them the reformist “rad” fems. they call themselves radical feminists but i don’t think they are. anyway those women think that activating for change (laws etc.) is the only or at last the superior way of “doing” radical feminism. that not doing public activism is the same as withdrawing from women’s struggle for liberation. that women like FCM are “sitting at home doing nothing feeling sorry for themselves.” and to those women i would like to say: you are so wrong.
women like FCM save lives. and the fact that you are saying these things shows at least two things (which are really one thing):
1. you don’t understand radical feminism or, as Mary Daly calls it, Radical Elemental Feminism.
2. you are in a state of foreground-fixation, believing only in foreground/surface reality, the reality that men sanction as “real”. But the problem is, if you only believe in foreground reality, if you only look at the foreground manifestations of the problem, then you will only see foreground solutions, like trying to get men’s reality to change. then it will appear to you as if all the radfems who are not trying to change men’s reality are “doing nothing.” in fact, they are doing a great deal, but you cannot perceive it, it’s off your grid.
Metapatterning and telic centering/focusing
and i think this obsession with “doing something” in the “real world” and the dismissal of anyone who is not visibly activating in men’s world is yet another indicator of patriarchal mind-binding. doesn’t the hierarchization of doing (active) vs. Be-ing (non-doing, therefore passive) suspiciously smell like patriarchal dualistic consciousness? i think it does.
doing is a surface phenomenon, but what is essential lies much deeper. what is essential is consciousness, out of which all doing emanates. i can see in retrospect how i could only exit prostitution once i re-discovered my Self, and i could only do that because a woman said the truth about piv on the internet. i, who objectified myself to the point of thinking of a part of myself as “my pocket vagina” witnessed a woman being angry, a woman not afraid to break through men’s codes – and my Wild Self inside perked up. one woman who stood up for women’s rights to be human beings not fuckholes is all I needed. granted, my material reality allowed for me to exit, but had i stayed in a little longer that window would have closed.
so in our struggle for liberation we do all kinds of things (like i am writing this blog post for example) but the act of doing is not the primary focus. Awakening women’s Souls, her telic focusing principle, her inner compass is the real goal. if this can be done through public activism, thats great, but public activism in itself is not the goal, nor is changing men’s reality (laws, institutions). getting women to realize their own psychic powers, to start breaking through men’s codes is what is it all about. because once the gynergy flows again, the useful surface manifestations this energy wants to take will come from within. this is what metapatterning means. making new patterns. making a new reality for ourselves. of course we can’t do this alone. or at least one woman metapattering on her own won’t get very far, especially because a focused/centered woman is the snooldom’s enemy no. 1.
and this is where the feminist community comes in:
“Yet the forces of fragmentation lie in ambush. As Dragons, as Gorgons, women must guard and foster the Flame of telic focus. For poor women, for women of color, and for others whose individual circumstances are particularly oppressive, the struggle against the fragmentation of energy that brings physical disease and psychic paralysis are often unspeakably hard. For all women, particularly in times and places of extreme repression, the creative telos within the Self in is conflict with the agendas of the sadostate. Some counterforce is provided by the communcal telos of the feminist movement, and the constant weaving of this net of knowledge and commitment is both the primary act and the necessary condition for the macromutation that is the Elemental Metamorphic Movement of women.”
— Mary Daly, Pure Lust (bold is mine)
Be-Friending – weaving the web of Sisterhood
by following our own inner compass, by letting ourselves be moved by our souls which leads to creative Be-ing we weave this web/net by which and through which we are able to manifest a different reality from men’s reality. Mary Daly calls this process of creating a web Be-Friending. what is means is that by living in this centered/focused way we are moved to create: books, rape crisis centers, anti-pornstitution protests, facebook pages, blogs, paintings, emergency funds, women’s conferences, friendships.
we create the resources that we ourselves and other women can use as springboards or inspirations, for healing, for laughter, for body work, for soul searching, for resistance. we support each other, financially, emotionally and intellectually. we invent a reality in which women can spin, love, create, by following our own telos, our own purpose, which is also our collective purpose, which is freedom, which is Pure Lust.
public activism can be part of this process of Be-Friending. but so can sitting at home writing blog posts, and so can sharing spells on facebook or doing yoga or going for a walk in the woods. it all depends on the consciousness. because the point is that this centering principle which brings forth the web of Sisterhood which in turn makes women’s evolution (on an individual and collective level) possible is not to be found in the form of surface manifestations. public activism is not liberating for women per se but it can be for individual women, if it provides the context or trigger which awakens a woman’s soul, her own telic centering principle, her inner compass, or, as i call it, the Goddess. once she is able to communicate with her Self/the Goddess in herself and other women she doesn’t need anyone to tell her what to do. then there doesn’t need to be one strategy for all. then there is no need for „The Movement“ to determine whether or not “we” should try to get laws changed or what not. then each woman has the integrity to feel for herself where her gynergy wants to go/what the Goddess needs her to do.
I’ll let the High Priestess of the Order of Radical Elemental Sisterwitches Mary Daly herself speak the finishing remarks (bold is mine):
“Women who are Realizing any of our powers, that is, illuminating such powers with the coherent light of our own reason, find that this process implies Realizing the telic principle (soul) in its entirety/integrity. Metamorphosing women are Unfolding as whole intellectual/passionate/sentient Selves as we move out of the Numbed State. No other than holistic change is desirable. (…) Metamorphosing women are determined to leave the diseased organism of fatherland. The way out is precisely telic centering/focusing, which implies quantum leaps of conscious communication within our Selves, among each other, and with the universe.“
(and this, by the way, is witchcraft.)