On Metapatterning or My pocket vagina

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“There are Elemental powers in every woman’s psyche that are covered by the embedded codes of her captors. In her process of breaking the embedded code, she uncovers her own powers. One way of describing this process is to call it metapatterning.“

When metamorphosing Muses use the term metapatterning, we mean to Name the process of breaking through paternal patterns. Nag-identified metapatterning involves real transcending of patriarchal patterns of thinking, speaking, acting. It is weaving our way through and out of these patterns. Erratic women weave our lives, our works, not as imitations of models, nor as models for others, but as unique diversified creations.”

–Mary Daly, Pure Lust

i had almost been destroyed by the patriarchy when a radical feminist saved my life. i don’t know her “real” name, but on the internet she is known as FCM and this is her blog.
at that point i had been “sexually active” for more than 14 years and, after having been raped, sexually exploited, humiliated and objectified for so long, i had decided that “i might as well get paid for it” and entered prostitution. i think i have always understood the essentially transactional relationship between women and men, but lacking any alternative vision of being a woman, as well as any sense of inherent worth, the fundamentally perverted character of this relationship did not occur to me. in other words, if i ever thought about this consciously at all, i thought that being looked down upon, used and abused by men was inevitable, just part of women’s lot in this world.. add to this my self-image as a “strong woman” (a woman who can withstand societal abuse) and you get to where i was: determined to use my body as erotic capital barter object in order to at least get something out of the shitty deal that you get being female in a woman-hating world, being born as this female body that men, in their schizophrenic state, despise and lust after at the same time.

so i would like to invite you, my readers, to come with me, travel through time and space and visit with me the woman i once was. with your Third Eye watch me go through the motions of “life”, food shopping, clothes shopping, “beauty practices“ self-mutilation (because men do not desire human females in our natural state, we have to make ourselves look like weird aliens more closely related to wasps than mammals), eating without really tasting anything and, several times per week, sucking some disgusting old or not so old “business“ man’s rapist’s cock, pretending not to be offended by the way he looks at me, touches me, talks to me, or horror of horrors, sticks his tongue into my mouth. can you see me trying not to cringe too obviously when he clumsily tries to make compliments (“you have such a tempting figure”) which are never compliments really, but humiliations, remarks about me performing my sex role adequately, becoming his own personal fuckhole. picture me going through the motions, making “good money”, but feeling dead inside, more dead every day, trying not to break down under the banal atrocity that is my life, with no meaning, no purpose, no self-love, no creativity.

My pocket vagina

the only way to survive as a prostituted woman is to dissociate from what is being done to you, and you can only do that by shutting off all sensation in the parts of the body that would otherwise cry out in pain and horror each time one of the punters so much as touches you, not to mention thrusts his gross cock into your internal organs. in my case this process of shutting off the body piece by piece had been going on for a long time, which is why i didn’t even notice how far it had proceeded. in retrospect i can contrast this state of zombie-hood with how i feel now, but i know that even now, more than one year after exiting and quitting piv, i am far from fully experiencing my own body. there is still so much trauma stored in my muscles and nerves that i’m not sure i will be able to ever heal completely.
it had gotten to a point where i did not even experience my vulva/vagina as being me. it felt as if i had this thing, this pocket vagina, which was incidentally attached to my body, but not really part of my body. i rented this pocket vulva/vagina out to men who wanted to lick it rub it stick their fingers in it thrust their dicks into it. And since i couldn’t actually hand it over to them, leave the apartment and come back when they were finished with it, i “consented” to leaving that part of my body for as long as they needed to masturbate into it. Yes i even took pride in being able to keep a friendly, jolly demeanor before, during and after the act, no offence taken d00d, its a-okey that you want to use part of me as masturbation toy, that’s what all men want from women isn’t it at least we are being honest about it aren’t we?

My talking ovaries

the problem is the more often you do this, withdraw from a part of your body, the harder it gets to get back in until someday you realize that you have effectively shut yourself out of a part of your self and you are left with no feeling, no real sensation in that part of yourself at all. sure, i still felt some kind of pressure “down there” when they pushed their dicks into me, but it was all numbed down, as if the skin they touched wasn’t even really alive with nerves anymore. sure, that made it easier to do the “job” get through the rapes, but it makes if infinitely harder to experience any kind of joy, sadness, real emotion, in other words, to Be Alive. thats what i mean when i say that i was half-dead. i was dragging my body from one place to another, but i wasn’t really there. Mary Daly fittingly calls it the absence of Presence. no idea where i was, but i wasn’t in my body. Which as i said, didn’t even occur to me until –

my ovaries started talking to me. (yes you read that right.)
i can’t have been entirely dead inside because there was something in me that always knew prostitution was not where i wanted to be, not for long anyway. Granted, in my brainwashed state i thought i could do it for a while without being damaged by it, but i knew that i was getting more depressed by the day and if i was honest, i knew the “job” had something to do with it. keep in mind that at that point i still hadn’t consciously understood why or even that prostitution is harmful. i thought i was empowered, choosing to exercise my agency by freely using my sexuality as erotic capital to advance myself financially, which i didn’t see as inherently problematic, because “don’t we all have to sell something in this capitalist system?” and “at least my hourly pay is more than what many people earn in a week.” so i didn’t think my deal was too shitty, considering the circumstances. but something in me was searching, looking for answers to questions i didn’t even dare consciously ask myself. i felt drawn to feminism, found sex-pozzie pomo fauxminism which only affirmed me in the prostitution of my body. i was a sex worker, responsibly and soberly assessing my possible sources of income under capitalist rule and so on. or was i? i was still searching, clicking through feminist and not so feminist blogs and then suddenly i found radical feminism, in the shape of FCM’s blog and her series on intercourse. i started reading but my mind jammed. it didn’t make sense. piv harmful? what was she talking about?? if piv is harmful then that means that all of the piv i had had in the past (with more than 50 men even before entering prostitution) had harmed me? unthinkable! and thats when it happened. thats when my ovaries started telling me to read on.

when i say they were “telling” me to read on of course that doesn’t adequately describe what happened, but that’s because language is deficient in conveying the whole/holistic truth, so let me try to describe what it felt like. so while i was battling with myself to go on reading or dismiss her writings as sex-negative prudishness i could suddenly feel a surge of energy emanate from my left ovary. no idea how i knew that it was my ovary this energy was coming from, i just knew. And i also knew that this sudden outburst of sensation meant that i had found something profoundly true and that i must go on. i tested my newly-found ability to communicate with my reproductive organs by (mentally) asking my Self (i might have even said this out loud): “is this weird energy outburst in my ovary connected to what i am reading?“ instantly more energy emanated from said ovary. alright then. i asked: “is what i am reading the truth even though i am scared to go on reading?” immediately the energy surged up and up and i realized that i was feeling something that i hadn’t felt in a very long time: joy. i think i laughed out loud at that point (partly because i suddenly realized how this would have looked to an unsuspecting observer: like i was having a psychotic break). i went on asking: “is this what i have been looking for?”pulse, pulse, pulse pulse, pulse…

and this is how i discovered, re-membered how it feels to feel anything below the neck. this is how it started, how i found the trap door into the Background. i went through the rabbit hole, safely lead by my own bodily sensations. two weeks after that i “serviced” my last “client”. 3 weeks after that i had piv for the last time. i haven’t looked back. the thought of what would have happened to me had i not found my radical sister that day is scary. she saved my life. through a blog post.

which brings me back to what triggered this very blog post that i am writing right here/now. i routinely see women in the movement claim that radical feminism is about public activism. i call them the reformist “rad” fems. they call themselves radical feminists but i don’t think they are. anyway those women think that activating for change (laws etc.) is the only or at last the superior way of “doing” radical feminism. that not doing public activism is the same as withdrawing from women’s struggle for liberation. that women like FCM are “sitting at home doing nothing feeling sorry for themselves.” and to those women i would like to say: you are so wrong.

women like FCM save lives. and the fact that you are saying these things shows at least two things (which are really one thing):
1. you don’t understand radical feminism or, as Mary Daly calls it, Radical Elemental Feminism.

2. you are in a state of foreground-fixation, believing only in foreground/surface reality, the reality that men sanction as “real”. But the problem is, if you only believe in foreground reality, if you only look at the foreground manifestations of the problem, then you will only see foreground solutions, like trying to get men’s reality to change. then it will appear to you as if all the radfems who are not trying to change men’s reality are “doing nothing.” in fact, they are doing a great deal, but you cannot perceive it, it’s off your grid.

Metapatterning and telic centering/focusing

and i think this obsession with “doing something” in the “real world” and the dismissal of anyone who is not visibly activating in men’s world is yet another indicator of patriarchal mind-binding. doesn’t the hierarchization of doing (active) vs. Be-ing (non-doing, therefore passive) suspiciously smell like patriarchal dualistic consciousness? i think it does.
doing is a surface phenomenon, but what is essential lies much deeper. what is essential is consciousness, out of which all doing emanates. i can see in retrospect how i could only exit prostitution once i re-discovered my Self, and i could only do that because a woman said the truth about piv on the internet. i, who objectified myself to the point of thinking of a part of myself as “my pocket vagina” witnessed a woman being angry, a woman not afraid to break through men’s codes – and my Wild Self inside perked up. one woman who stood up for women’s rights to be human beings not fuckholes is all I needed. granted, my material reality allowed for me to exit, but had i stayed in a little longer that window would have closed.

so in our struggle for liberation we do all kinds of things (like i am writing this blog post for example) but the act of doing is not the primary focus. Awakening women’s Souls, her telic focusing principle, her inner compass is the real goal. if this can be done through public activism, thats great, but public activism in itself is not the goal, nor is changing men’s reality (laws, institutions). getting women to realize their own psychic powers, to start breaking through men’s codes is what is it all about. because once the gynergy flows again, the useful surface manifestations this energy wants to take will come from within. this is what metapatterning means. making new patterns. making a new reality for ourselves. of course we can’t do this alone. or at least one woman metapattering on her own won’t get very far, especially because a focused/centered woman is the snooldom’s enemy no. 1.
and this is where the feminist community comes in:

“Yet the forces of fragmentation lie in ambush. As Dragons, as Gorgons, women must guard and foster the Flame of telic focus. For poor women, for women of color, and for others whose individual circumstances are particularly oppressive, the struggle against the fragmentation of energy that brings physical disease and psychic paralysis are often unspeakably hard. For all women, particularly in times and places of extreme repression, the creative telos within the Self in is conflict with the agendas of the sadostate. Some counterforce is provided by the communcal telos of the feminist movement, and the constant weaving of this net of knowledge and commitment is both the primary act and the necessary condition for the macromutation that is the Elemental Metamorphic Movement of women.”

Mary Daly, Pure Lust (bold is mine)

Be-Friending – weaving the web of Sisterhood

by following our own inner compass, by letting ourselves be moved by our souls which leads to creative Be-ing we weave this web/net by which and through which we are able to manifest a different reality from men’s reality. Mary Daly calls this process of creating a web Be-Friending. what is means is that by living in this centered/focused way we are moved to create: books, rape crisis centers, anti-pornstitution protests, facebook pages, blogs, paintings, emergency funds, women’s conferences, friendships.

we create the resources that we ourselves and other women can use as springboards or inspirations, for healing, for laughter, for body work, for soul searching, for resistance. we support each other, financially, emotionally and intellectually. we invent a reality in which women can spin, love, create, by following our own telos, our own purpose, which is also our collective purpose, which is freedom, which is Pure Lust.

public activism can be part of this process of Be-Friending. but so can sitting at home writing blog posts, and so can sharing spells on facebook or doing yoga or going for a walk in the woods. it all depends on the consciousness. because the point is that this centering principle which brings forth the web of Sisterhood which in turn makes women’s evolution (on an individual and collective level) possible is not to be found in the form of surface manifestations. public activism is not liberating for women per se but it can be for individual women, if it provides the context or trigger which awakens a woman’s soul, her own telic centering principle, her inner compass, or, as i call it, the Goddess. once she is able to communicate with her Self/the Goddess in herself and other women she doesn’t need anyone to tell her what to do. then there doesn’t need to be one strategy for all. then there is no need for „The Movement“ to determine whether or not “we” should try to get laws changed or what not. then each woman has the integrity to feel for herself where her gynergy wants to go/what the Goddess needs her to do.
I’ll let the High Priestess of the Order of Radical Elemental Sisterwitches Mary Daly herself speak the finishing remarks (bold is mine):

“Women who are Realizing any of our powers, that is, illuminating such powers with the coherent light of our own reason, find that this process implies Realizing the telic principle (soul) in its entirety/integrity. Metamorphosing women are Unfolding as whole intellectual/passionate/sentient Selves as we move out of the Numbed State. No other than holistic change is desirable. (…) Metamorphosing women are determined to leave the diseased organism of fatherland. The way out is precisely telic centering/focusing, which implies quantum leaps of conscious communication within our Selves, among each other, and with the universe.

(and this, by the way, is witchcraft.)

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17 Responses to On Metapatterning or My pocket vagina

  1. wwomenwwarriors says:

    Reblogged this on when women were warriors and commented:
    A new bloggie has hit the radfemosphere! I know this woman and soooo look forward to reading more of what she has in mind. It’s been a long time in the making sis. This woman and I used to sit around her livingroom drinking tea and blasting about patriarchy while reading passages from Daly, Dworkin, French, Starhawk, Mackinnon, Johnson, Z Budapest, Frye, etc aloud to each other. We’ve been reciting FCM, witchwind, Arctic Feminist, Feminist at Sea, and other sisters in each other’s presence for awhile, one of us reading, the other laughing, acting it out, emphasizing points, or gasping and moaning, “UGH MEN!!!” since we both found the radfems a little over a year ago. She is finally putting pen to ink…erm fingers to keyboard. Welcome sis!
    To all those who read my stuff, check this womyn out. She’s amazing!

  2. Missfit says:

    I love what you wrote. I too entered prostitution for same reasons. ‘If I am to be sexually exploited, might as well get paid for it’. Also better than being a ‘wife’. As if there was no other option than servicing men one way or another. I too was proud of being a ‘strong woman’, of being able to not make a big deal of having my body being reduced to an object in the hands of men. I exited prostitution before discovering radical feminism but it has saved me too, in the sense that it made me being. I have been on anti-depressants for a decade, trying to stop as I find it did not work, then trying a new sort, before radical feminism made me understand what was that was wrong (it was not me!), made me see. Discovering radical feminism was really about putting the pieces of the puzzle together. I remember sleepless nights as I was going through all the posts on the radfem hub. Then reading books and books, digging into more layers of the patriarchy to find the background. I was, and still am, amazed by these women’s intelligence and beautiful spirit. I then decided I didn’t need pills anymore as I had finally find peace within myself (if not with the world, but this, how can we?). I am grateful for the contribution of all radfems. You bet I don’t waste my gynergy on men anymore. I agree that consciousness awakening is the only thing that can ultimately change the world.

  3. You’re a powerful writer, thank you for sharing this. I can’t wait to read more from you. Peace sister

  4. wwomenwwarriors says:

    Okay, so now I get to leave my comment comment, the comment for the blog post, not the comment telling other women to come join the house warming party.

    Coupla things:

    “what is essential is consciousness, out of which all doing emanates.”

    This is what gets us pegged as lifestylists, but of course we are. That is the point. Who would protest porn outdoors and watch it indoors? Who would attempt to take down a hierarchy while establishing one in their interpersonal relations? Etc. The first point is coherence of being, which is broken and fragmented under patriarchy. Second is about free-flowing gynergy that will naturally re-build/create a women’s culture or a culture conducive to women’s well-being and survival and break down the land of the fathers without asking for instructions. The goal is authentic existence that is consistent with life-affirming, life-giving, biophillic Be-ing. We focus so much on “ban porn” and “abolish prostitution” and “get rid of gender” (though some attention is absolutely warranted, yes) and not enough on “build authentic sensual connection to our bodies” and “love and respect women soooooo much that the thought of selling us is unthinkable” and “center into what we truly are, not the names we are called.” Probably because within this sadomasochistic necrophiliac culture, destruction (of patriarchy, of anything) as a goal is much easier to conceptualize than growth, creation, and living. We’re feeding into MEN’S lifestyle if we do not find and settle into our own. So, yeah, lifetylists we are.

    “once she is able to communicate with her Self/the Goddess in herself and other women she doesn’t need anyone to tell her what to do.”

    This is so important. How to get that point across, I do not know, but we need to keep saying it and saying it and saying it. We are not going to see a revolution until the people/women who would do the revolting wake from slumber. And refusing PIV, refusing to perform femininity, refusing to let men dominate discussions, refusing to let men into our spaces, believe me, is revolutionary. We do not need to storm the houses of parliament shouting with signs or whatever. If we all woke up collectively and kicked them all out of their beds and let a homeless/prostituted/battered sister in the house instead, we’d see what an upheaval of patriarchy really looks like. It’s not gonna happen on Wall Street or Capitol Hill or any other of their stupid fancy buildings filled with dead trees, dead animals, dead men in stupid monkey suits.

  5. Alexis Flamethrower Daimon says:

    Hahaha W4 you are so funny. Mutants in stupid monkey suits indeed.
    Thanks wims for your support and confirmation of my thoughts. Means a lot to me. ❤

  6. Hari B. says:

    Oh, so delicious! Thanks for writing this, and for helping me to re-member. And I’m so happy to see that you found Pure Lust and all the wonders of Mary’s wending, weaving along the sacred way.

  7. Thank you Hari!
    Yes Mary is/was A-mazing and she was a witch too which i only realized when I was reading Pure Lust. She is talking about witchcraft the whole time!

  8. Deb says:

    What incredible Power in the Words you wrote in your blog. I am honored and humbled to be invited to join your journey. I too was a prostitute but only in my marriage. So much of your words spoke to me about my 30 year marriage. I wrote a piece in my blog after reading wwomenwarriors blog post about intercourse. Here is my post: http://angeliqueautumnspeaks.blogspot.com/
    Thank you again for your words, your heart and I rejoice in your escape and finding your own Voice and your own Body! blessed be!

  9. Hi Deb! Thank you for your words and for the link to your blog! I just read the post about your marriage prostitution. Wow, I could not imagine what it would be like to be a man’s slave for 30 years and still try to survive. I have the utmost respect for your will to survive and am so happy for you that you managed to get OUT of there. Your ex should be put out of his misery along with all other consumers of porn. ❤ to you sister!

  10. Hi Missfit!
    Yes I had the same experience with sleepless nights reading fcm’s whole blog, breathless, heart jumping with joy! and then books books books. my whole world has changed since then. I have been brought back to life! this is not a small thing! This is what needs to be happening all over! Women finding the Background, because as soon as they do they won’t stop until they are free.

  11. Top notch radfem analysis. I look forward to following your blog. Mary Daly is dynamite (she fully deserves Nietzsche’s self-monicker, more than he did!) and more people should be inspired by her.

  12. Radical Kitten: BRILLIANT piece. Please keep writing. (I am clicking on the FOLLOW box now…)

    Congratulations on becoming a Free Woman! When Daly talked about the Third Passage, I thought she was making this up to stop us from killing ourselves or something. I thought it was bullshit. But IT IS NOT. Becoming a Free Woman gets better and better and better. Once you become a radical feminist, there’s no going back; there’s only becoming more and more free. Daly and Solanas saved my life too (Dworkin and Griffin also helped). Misfit talks about the pills she took to cope with a normalized patriarchy in which her own perceptions were clearly, as they are with all of us, gaslighted to the point where we don’t even dare have them, gaslighted to the point where we DON’T have them. Countless women have told me the pills/alcohol/drugs/depression-until-radical-feminism-clarified-everything-for-me story. Countless women… We are sick/self-medicate until we understand wtf we are sick/self-medicating about. And then we get well. Because radical feminism is clarity and self-love.

    Patriarchy only works if women do not have consciousness.
    Patriarchy DEPENDS ON women not having consciousness.
    Yes, I agree with you completely, RK:
    There is nothing more important than consciousness.

  13. nuclearnight says:

    Oh Kitten thank you so much for writing this. I didn’t know you were an exited woman. Clearly you’ve done a lot of work to heal already because its generally something that is evident when you meet someone whose only been out a short time. Healing from male trauma is totally possible. We must believe this is true in order for it to be so. You touch on a lot here that is so important. The biggest task we have to face in undoing our mind-bindings is to get in touch with our authentic female selves. This means listening to our bodies, going in the direction of what gives us joy and makes us feel alive.

  14. This line of yours, RK, has haunted me: “Yes i even took pride in being able to keep a friendly, jolly demeanor before, during and after the act, no offence taken d00d, its a-okey that you want to use part of me as masturbation toy, that’s what all men want from women isn’t it at least we are being honest about it aren’t we?”

    Yes, women are suppose to be “good sports,” “take a joke,” and “smile” while being raped on film. This is mandated “consent,” in other words, it is not consent at all. No woman is ever suppose to make a dude feel anything but within his rights. And like trained pets, women can even learn to take pride in keeping master happy, without ever quite understanding why doing these things keeps master happy. Never are we permitted to show them we don’t like it. Being jolly about their tresspass, — this must have been incredibly painful. I can see how your body had to shut herself down, protect herself, wait for you. It is beautiful to read this, — to see how quickly a woman can lay claim to herself Entirely,.

    And I agree with Nuclear Night: “Healing from male trauma is totally possible.”

  15. Hi trust,
    yes it was hard at times. Especially when they were dirty, stinky, gross, treated me with obvious contempt or – in the case of the last punter who ever raped me – KNEW that i didn’t like being there with him, pretended to actually care about me as a human being, and then turned me around to rape me anyway. i might write a post about the last one, because when he raped me my mind bindings had already come off partially and i was more conscious when he raped me than with all the others. and i had to expend a significant amount of energy during that encounter to fight my own impulse to shout at him to get the fuck off of me, kick him in the balls and run.

  16. It must have been like the anesthesia no longer working during surgery, but worse. Much worse. Radical feminist LOVE to you, RK. Any post you are brave enough to write will reach women.

  17. Love this! So much I can relate to that I had never put to words. When I was considering prostitution, and my then-captor had rapists lined up for me, along with the anticipation of beer money for himself, I was very proud of how TOUGH I was, knowing I could withstand dissociating from my body on a permanent basis. I knew I didn’t have to do it, but I figured as long as the system was this shitty for anyone, I couldn’t justify seeking a more privileged position within it. Besides, I wanted to stay in touch with the shittiness because it reminded me of the awful truth about the system (which I had yet to identify as being equal to males, and hence, not my fault). It wasn’t until I got pregnant that I felt I had a good enough excuse to try to survive on a less traumatic plane of existence. I, too, found Femonade early on in my search and she totally gave me new hope!

    I really appreciate your clarifying for me that politicking and public engagement with “the problem” is not my best use of gynergy. It feels like an obsessive-compulsive thing for me, not an inspiration from Goddess, and now I can fully recognize that it is what MALES want me to do with my time.

    When I first found Facebook feminism, I felt alienated by all of the politicking because I had found my own peace away from my ex by walking around town and making jewelry from things I found on the ground. Serendipity ruled my life and I felt very close to my Goddess self at those times. So I thought that was just being childish and that now it was time to “organize” and “get shit done.” Ha! I am now fully disabused of that notion 😉

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